This new year's day, I've taken it upon myself an attempt to make clear my beliefs. Over the last several years and more acutely in the last few months I have been searching. For what, I was not entirely sure, and though I think I have an increased understanding of that allusive something that draws me, I do not think I have quite landed upon solid ground. Rather, it feels to me now that it is not far off the horizon. I am curious and long to behold it, but also a certain patience accompanies my voyage. I would not be surprised if this voyage were to take a lifetime.
For the past four or five years I have struggled to make ends meet financially. I had and still have a dream of being a full time artist. Now, I cannot say the pain was ever too great, but it would be an injustice to say that I never incurred nor caused damage in the pursuit of that dream. For what ever reason, the last two years of that pursuit have, in a financial sense, been relatively kind to me. I must say it is certainly nice to be able to fill my gas tank and do so without worrying whether I will be able to do so again. The occasional steak dinner is also nice.
But sadly, I have found in my limited victory and success, (and trust me it is limited) that this reaching of a dream or goal does not necessarily bring happiness. At the end of the day, I cannot say I am any happier than I was three years ago, when my bank account was hovering near double digits. Upon realizing this, a scary thought then follows, "If this, this thing I have chased after for five years, staying up till the early morning hours, investing and reinvesting every dime I've got, and setting aside relationships for, if this doesn't in the end make me happy, what will? Where can I find purpose now? Is there even such a thing as purpose?" Some of you may be now thinking, "what a poor lost and confused soul." Others may be thinking, "how melodramatic, this is life kid, get over yourself!" Perhaps you will entertain my thoughts a little longer. I hope you will.
About a year ago, and for reasons not entirely worth writing about, I took it upon myself to memorize the Gettysburg Address. Simple enough, I think I did it in grade school. However, one day while bouncing down highway 212 in my Dad's '97 Ford F350, the speech hit me in a new way. A thought occurred to me, which I cannot quite say came from my own self. From where it came, I am not sure. I started to think that, when reciting the address, perhaps we never put the emphasis on the right words. I will try to explain, though, this idea is probably best explained in person, and not through writing.
If you'd be so kind, think of the address. We all know the first line. Put emphasis on the word "this" and then on the word "are." So: "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon THIS continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men ARE created equal." And, if I may add to Lincoln's words as to drive home the point I feel he was making, all men are, IN FACT, created equal. In the next sentences he goes on to say that we now have found ourselves in a great civil war, and I think the tone should be that this war really comes as no surprise, that it's "testing whether THIS nation, or ANY nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure." He concedes that they are gathered there in Gettysburg to dedicate the field to the "brave men that gave their lives so that THAT nation might live," and that this gesture is "altogether, fitting and proper."
However, notice what he says right after this. "But in a larger sense," which implies that he wants his listeners to set aside for the moment what he just said and to really pay attention to what he is about to say. He continues, and I think we should read his next words with strong emphasis on the the words "we" and "our". "WE cannot dedicate -- WE cannot consecrate -- WE cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who fought and struggled here have done so far beyond OUR poor power to add or detract." I think it is here that the heart of the address is found. For it is here that Lincoln asserts that it is absolutely foolish for us to think that we can come to battlefields after the fact and in any meaningful way dedicate the ground. In fact he goes on to counter this foolish idea by saying, (again emphasize the "us") "But it is for US, the living, rather ("rather" is very important here) to be here dedicated, to the great task remaining before US..." In a sense he is saying that when we come to memorials, when veterans day and memorial day roll around, that our duty is not necessarily to conjure up feelings and public displays of some great gratitude, (though hopefully we do feel it) but that what has been done is done. RATHER our only proper response, duty, and real reason for being there is for US to take up the cause "that they who fought here have thus for so nobly advanced." For you see, what is most essential, is that when we come to memorials we remember that there are ideas worth giving our whole lives to, even unto death. And that, in these times and places of remembrance, our duty then becomes to dedicate ourselves to these ideas so that we too might be able to honestly say "that these men shall not have died in vain." In Lincoln's case, that idea was "that all men ARE created equal." And as we all know, he along with countless others paid the ultimate price. To this idea "they gave their last full measure of devotion."
Let me repeat again my main take away from the address: there are ideas in this life worth giving your whole life to, even unto death. It is hard to express through words, but I hope you, the reader, can perhaps catch a little of what this speech has come to mean to me. That in my time of great darkness, in a time when I wondered whether there was any purpose to life, whether I could even go on saying that I believed in God and that He is good, Lincoln's words gave me assurance.
As I look around the world for ideas, causes, creeds, that I can say are worthy of my full devotion--there are very few. I hope for good friendships and will give myself to them. I hope to one day benefit from a happy marriage, and I intentionally seek one. I hope for success and happiness in my career. But friends and spouses die and careers may come and go. I may love my country and be a patriot, but countries go astray. The men who fought at Gettysburg, the men who built our roads and set aside beautiful lands, those who stormed the beaches of Normandy and those who 87 years prior to Gettysburg signed that declaration that set this whole experiment in motion may very well be turning over in their graves as they watch us dedicate ourselves to ourselves, selfish beings that we are. Let us not let those men's lives, efforts, and deaths be in vain.
Indeed, the only ideas that I can find, that I feel are worthy of my full dedication are not far from our founders' idea of equality. The ideas which I will full heartedly prescribe to are: "to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul" and "to love your neighbor as yourself." In this day and age, this may sound trite, and honestly the first of these is hard to pin down and make tangible, perhaps it is best achieved by focusing on the second. However, I wonder if it is that I am to be intentional and for now, through faith, follow it blindly. That if I set aside myself, my pride, my time in my day, and am open to hear God's still small voice, then I as well my neighbors may one day find the benefit in the habit (for I suspect that the first command may help in following the second).
As for the second of these commands, can you see how it is not far from that proposition to which our founders dedicated our nation? That if we truly love our neighbor as ourselves, then we must also hold to the idea that all men are created equal. To love my neighbor as myself is a call to action. It is to seek justice for the oppressed, and to love mercy. It is to actively seek where I can in this world loose the chains of injustice, and set the oppressed free; it is to share my food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter, to clothe the naked, and not turn away from my own flesh and blood, to do away with the pointing finger and malicious talk, to spend myself on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, to look after the widow and the orphan.
No doubt, it is a tall order, and just reading through this whilst being aware of my own selfish inclinations and human limitations, makes me suspect all the more the need to follow the first command. But let me continue. To love my neighbor as myself is also incredibly specific to each person I encounter. It means I must listen and seek to understand them. It means that I cannot have blanket ways of interacting with a member of a certain class, race, sex, or sexual orientation. I must no longer see them as simply part of a group. I must now see them as the incredible human being they truly are, one whose importance is so much greater than I could have ever imagined.
It is to never hold myself in higher regard than them. And in this, suddenly everyone becomes interesting and worth knowing. In this, I can say I find great purpose. Now, as I said at the onset, I would not be surprised if this voyage were to take a lifetime. Going about actually setting a life to this sort of course is a whole different story, and I will need to look to those wiser than me for help in doing so. I also suspect that much of it comes through painful mistakes and hard earned lessons, but I do here highly resolve and declare that it is worth my full devotion. May I learn each day to take increased devotion.
-Tyler